Osborne Village Cafe: Best Place to Get Hash...browns.

Another week, another blog post, another disgustingly delicious breakfast to review. On the advice of fellow CreComm rookie Jacob Marks, I decided to check out the Osborne Village Cafe and see if this place is worth Jacob's hype.

Known primarily for its drunken metalhead brawls and random biker-gang stabbings, the Osborne Motor Village Inn is home to about five or six different things: a motel, a bar called the Zoo, a bar called Ozzy's, a vendor in the back, several shithead security guards, and the subtle aroma of urine that really brings the whole building together. Located at the very front though is the Osborne Village Cafe, a hole in the wall that could be easily missed, but shouldn't be. It's fantastic.

Looking out the cafe window, it was grey, dreary, and miserable. But inside the cafe... well, it was grey, dreary, and miserable. Still though, it was right up my alley and I really enjoyed it. It might have been the sticky flytrap in the corner, or the classic flickering fluorescent lightbulb, but I could tell that this cafe had seen some shit and had stories to tell. This is the type of cafe that Thelma and Louise sat at before driving their convertible off a cliff, or where Meg Ryan pretended to cum in front of a stunned and squirrelly Billy Crystal. It's a cafe where drug deals have been negotiated, sex trade workers took a break, and where greasy hitmen had been contracted to wack a husband or wife or two.

Picture from Left to Right: Unidentified Man; Not Pictured: Unidentified
Man. 

And they did all this while eating a lovely meal of bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, and toast.  With fruit.

Osborne Village Cafe calls it the "Classic Breakfast". A classic name for a classic meal. I started off with a coffee and a water. Classic. The coffee was coffee. I'm not a great at telling the difference between good coffee and bad coffee, but I know awful coffee when I drink it. This wasn't awful coffee. Also, a small detail but it's big in my eyes, they gave me a steel cup (gauntlet?) for the cream. Again, it's not a deal breaker, but it's a nice touch. Those little individual creamers really piss me off sometimes, but I don't wanna get into that right now.

The food was delicious. I've been making sure to not go to these breakfasts starving. I'd give a five-star review to a hub-cap with icing on it if I was hungry enough. I wasn't desperate for food. So trust me when I say that Osborne Village Cafe makes a mean breakfast.

The eggs were delicious. Perfectly over-easy. The yolk was running like mascara on some freshly-dumped emo kid. They weren't slimy or watery though, which is an easy mistake to make when you're some freshly-dumped emo kid.

The bacon was intimidating. I got four massive slices, and it took up the majority of plate. It was a lot of bacon. I'm not kosher or anything, but even I have my limits. The bacon was not too crunchy, not too soft, blah blah blah... it's bacon. It was good.

If your mouth isn't watering looking at this picture, see a doctor. You
might be dead.

The hashbrowns though, really stole the show. This part of the meal nearly had me pulling a Meg Ryan right there in the cafe.  They were unreal. I don't know what spices they put in those potatoes, or if they have a special sauce they fry them in, or if it's just the flavour of a disgustingly dirty grill with 20 years worth of grease on it, but good lord... they were good. I put some Sriracha sauce on half of them. The sauce is a well known classic, but these hashbrowns didn't need it. I'm going to go back, and just order a giant plate of these hash-browns. And then, unlike Meg Ryan in that stupid movie, I'm actually gonna have an orgasm, and I'll be barred for life... and it'll all be worth it.

I also got fruit.

Overall, this breakfast really kicked me in the balls and had me squirming around like some freshly-dumped emo kid, i.e., I enjoyed it. I would go here again. I would recommend this to anyone that's thinking of renting Harry Met Sally. Don't rent it.

Eat a delicious meal at the Osborne Village Cafe, instead.