To Be, or Tot to Be... That, is the Title.

Tater Tots: the bite sized snack that forever changed the potato game. When the Tater Tot was released in the 50's, it broke all the rules. All conventional potato standards were shattered. People were shocked and offended at this brazen new shape that potatoes could assume. Potatoes would never be the same, and neither would the mindset of millions of well-to-do middle class families, their cookie cutter starch world brought down and shattered by the Tot.

So anyways, I'm super broke and couldn't afford to buy a decent breakfast to review this week. I don't see why you're so mad... this shouldn't be a big deal. Please stop throwing stuff and saying words like that. Listen, I'll get a super sized breakfast next week, ok? Please, just stop. Thank you.

When I went into the Red River College Aramark inside the Princess Street campus, a certain feeling of dread lowered itself onto my shoulders and started laughing at me and taunting me. It knew I hadn't the money to get anything good. This feeling knew that I would be eating something so substandard, so shitty, that no review, no matter how scathing, biting, or vomiting, would be able to encapsulate the complete crappiness of my breakfast. It was the menace of the Aramark Tater Tot.

Before I begin, a brief history of the Tater Tot is in order. The Tater Tot was invented to solve the problem of wasted potato slivers when potatoes were cut into cubes. One chef (read: a god among men) decided to press the slivers together, push the resulting string through a hole, and cut it off in sections. The resulting potato cylinders were then spiced and fried, resulting in the worldwide phenomenon known as the Tatermania.

I wasn't super optimistic when I saw the cardboard container filled with Tots sitting in the nearly empty food cart. They didn't look good in that Aramark lighting, or maybe it was the college lighting. Or maybe just light. These Tater Tots definitely would've been better eaten in a pitch black room. But I always loved Tater Tots when I was a kid.  What's not to love? It's a deep fried potato, in bite-sized form. It's like a french-fry, but it's a cube. It's like a hashbrown, but it's a Tot. These things are awesome.

Usually.

As I held my Tots, I joined Stephen Burns in pouring a cup of coffee.  I looked at Stephen and asked, "You ever have those days, where you wake up, and you just know that you're gonna have to eat some Tater Tots?"

"Yes. Yes I do." Stephen Burns knows what's up.

Eating a Tater Tot fresh off the fryer is one of the essential steps of human enlightenment and spiritual transcendence. Ok, maybe not, but they're pretty damn good. Soft steaming hot starchy goodness held together by a golden crusty, flaky shell glistening with deep fryer oil... now that's a goddamn Tater Tot.

How the Red River College Aramark managed to screw these Tots up is a mystery. A mystery on par with the location of Jimmy Hoffa's body, the Zodiac killer, and the existence of pet rocks.

Granted, these Tots may have been delicious right after they were fried, but by the time my crooked teeth sank into them, they were long past their prime. They just weren't good. They were stale, cold, and bland. They were soft, but not in a good way. They were gritty, but not in a good way. They were Tater Tots, but not in a good way. They were shit, but not in a good... well, you get the point.

The thing that saved this breakfast for me though, was the price. It cost me $3.80 for the Tots and a coffee. A coffee is $2.25, which means the Tots cost $1.65. I was given 18 Tots. This amounts to just over 9 cents per Tot. I couldn't find out what the average price of a single Tater Tot is these days, but to me, that seems really reasonable. These Tots sucked, but I'd definitely pay 9 cents a piece for them.

So if you're ever as broke as I was today, and you just need something in your stomach to prevent it from collapsing or self-cannibalizing, I recommend the Tots. Head to the smoker's pit, look under some benches and find some empties. Cash them in, get some dimes, head down to the Red River College Aramark, and stock up on Tater Tots.

You won't enjoy eating them, but you won't be hungry after you do, so munch away. After all, beggars can't be choosers.