Do you have milk on your person?

Got milk?

Yes, yes I do.

Due to delays in the Manitoba Student Aid payment system, I was unable to get my usual "doctor's nightmare" breakfast earlier in the week. Then, thanks to a faulty debit card, I was unable to spend the student aid that finally made it. It's been a hard week.

Front row: 2% white; Back row: Chocolate, and wet air.

But for a combined cost of only 3 dollars and change at the local RRC Mercantile, I bought three different types of milk, and now, I'm ready to complete my master experiment... comparing different milks.

Milk is a healthy part of any nutritional bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charms. I feel like a lot of people take milk for granted, and every time I try to convince people to enjoy Earth's white nectar of the gods (milk), they always start filling their diapers with the same old and tired complaints.

Wahhh, it's high in fat! 
Of course it is. That's why it's so delicious.


Wahhh, the cows they get it from are pumped full of steroids!
Well, just think of how strong your bones will be.

Wahhh, I'm lactose intolerant, and throwing up all over my new area rug!
Get a new area rug, it's worth it. I mean come on, it's 2014. Aren't we past intolerance of any kind?

Don't get me wrong, some milk is terrible. I bought one skim milk, one chocolate milk, and one 2% white milk, to see if I could find out which one would be worse than the others. I wanted to drink the crappiest milk first, so then afterwards, I could use the better milks to wash the taste of crappy milk out of my mouth.

Skim: It even sounds gross.

I went with my gut, and picked the skim milk first.

Whereas 1% milk is the Diet 7up of milks, skim milk is the decaffeinated, piss-warm, Diet Spritz Up of milks. Milk's unique taste only relies on one thing to be fantastic - texture. Milk is defined by its texture. 2% has a heavenly creamy texture that makes you want to swish the liquid cloud in your mouth like Listerine. Skim milk feels like someone took an old glass that had a little bit of old milk sitting on the bottom, and filled it with ice cold Brita-filtered water. Skim milk is what I'd imagine cotton balls tasting like. It was like kissing someone you don't like right after that person had a glass of 1% milk. 0% fat! Why? Maybe, if you're so desperate to watch your weight, stick to pouring water or Pepsi Max over your frosted flakes.

Right after taking a sip, I immediately spit it out all over the compusadrt I aws orwekin on. Ocne I nmaaged to clean that up, I reached for the chocolate milk as quick as possible. Chocolate milk should be drank with a straw. Even the dumbest milk novice knows this. Chocolate milk touches that thick texture I was talking about earlier, but then kicks it up a whole notch. In fact, I don't think it should even be called chocolate milk. They really need to invent a beverage that has the consistency of something between milk and milkshake, because this chocolate milk was so thick, it would be a stretch to classify this substance as a liquid.

Chocolate milk is great for
washing skim milk out.

Of course, the taste was spot on. Sweet, thicker-than-milky, and wholly refreshing. But for some reason, as good as it was, it still isn't on the top of the milky food chain.

The truth is, 2% white milk will always be king. The milky-white colour, the milky aftertaste, it's milky texture... it's all just so, milky. Milk. Milk. Milk. 2% milk. I think I'm having a milky breakdown. When you realize what milk has done for you in your life, you'll breakdown too.

Where you be without a trusted, delicious milk, huh? I'll tell you where: dead in a gutter, choking to death on a lump of hot brownie, unable to scream because of all the peanut butter in your mouth, and dying from internal bleeding because all those jagged shards of rock-hard, chocolate chip cookie just sliced a hole in your stomach lining. Thank milk you're not there, yet.

The holy grail of milks. Often overlooked, it
still causes moments of sheer ecstasy, which
can result in hideous facial paralysis (above).

Without milk, millions of our beloved senior citizens would be playing cribbage until all hours of the night until their withered old fingers broke off and rolled underneath their rocking chairs. But no, milk made their bones strong, it made their cribbage game better, and it warmed itself up to tuck Grandma and Grandpa into a beautiful, drooly, lactose-induced slumber. 

This is not some sort of advertorial. That is to say, I have not yet received funds for my efforts in directing the public to the greatness of milk. Please though, just to prove that I'm not some nutjob that is obsessed with milk, do me a favour: buy ingredients to make fresh, warm, ultra-rich, ultra-chocolatey double fudge brownies. After you've made them, baked them, and pulled them from the oven, let them cool just enough so that they won't burn you. Spread enough chocolate frosting on the brownies so that the frosting melts just a little bit, then sprinkle crushed walnuts. Then, put the brownie up to your mouth, and take a bite. A big bite. Let the chocolate swirl into every crevice of your mouth, and let the batter gather up inside your gums. Then, when you've finished the brownie, out of a nice tall glass, take a big sip of ice-cold, wonderfully refreshing... water.

See what I mean? Don't take milk for granted.