Mickey D's Artery-Clogging Classic

I've been a long-time McDonald's fan/fiend/addict. I remember living in the country as a boy, and weekly trips to the Superstore were always capped off with some Big Macs. Being an old country boy, the heavily coveted McDonald's breakfast only happened maybe 5 or 20 times in my childhood, which is why I told myself that when I became an adult living in the city, I was going end the fast food breakfast famine, and make sure that I had my fill.

Food on the go! And you'll have to go, if you eat
breakfast at McDonald's. You've been warned.

And here I am today: a heavy-set, heavy-breathing, heavy-consumer of McDonald's products and services, catching a bus to go twenty feet down the road to my local McDicks. I wouldn't change a thing... well, I might change the sporadic chest pains and constant nausea, but other than that, I wouldn't change a thing. Some things should never change.

That's why I was happy this morning to find out that McDonald's has done nothing to change anything about the Sausage n' Egg McMuffin. McGriddles and Breakfast Bagels are all well and good, but when it comes to the Sausage n' Egg McMuffin, McDonald's played it smart and left well-enough alone. A lot of people, myself included, don't want to get fat trying new stuff. We want to get fat on the classics.

McDonald's breakfast combo setup is as classic as it gets: McMuffin. Hashbrowns. Beverage.

Now THAT'S a breakfast, people: nary a veggie in sight, grease pooling at the bottom of wrappers and spilling onto shirts, and a rapidly increasing rapid heartbeat... O beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain.

Anticipation is the best part.

Let's get down to business. McDonald's didn't become the unholy dark lord of the "good food, prepared quickly" industry because their food sucks. If you don't care about the insane calorie count or whether or not you're eating real food, the bottom line stands -- it tastes good. Yes, it does. If you disagree with me, fine. I reserve the right to respectfully think you're in denial. It tastes delicious.

I want to get serious here for a moment. The rest of this blogpost has been kind of facetious, but I'm dead serious when I say that McDonald's coffee is wonderful. There's a lot of fish in the breakfast/coffee industry barrel (weak metaphor, whatevs), but McDonald's has some of the best coffee out there. Unlike Starbucks' melted tire roast, or Tim Horton's burnt hair roast, or Burger King's... water, McDonald's actually has a rich, flavourful, full-body roast that is too good to not be at the expense of some exploited African nation. Then again, it's McDonald's. You should know what you're getting. I recommend it.

Chewing is for amateurs.

The hashbrowns are delicious as well. I was a little concerned when I didn't see the hashbrown patty glistening with grease, but then I flipped it over and saw that all the grease had sunk to the bottom... haha, phew! It was as mouth-wateringly fattening as it always is, and we all know the golden food rule: FAT = DELICIOUS. Burger King offers the breakfast potatoes (puh-lease), and Tim Horton's has a bastardized version of the McDonald's hashbrown, but nothing comes close. This menu item is a staple in the breakfast branch of the fast food industry, which is ironic too, because shortly after eating the hashbrowns, it felt as if I had swallowed some staples.

Pain is the dessert for every
McDonald's meal.

The Sausage n' Egg McMuffin is the real draw here. Perfectly toasted English muffin, melted cheese, what appears to be an egg, and that glorious solidified grease called a sausage patty. It truly is delicious, and for only 440 calories, it's a dieter's dream! A Sausage n' Egg McMuffin has 26g of fat, which is 40% of the recommended daily value! So by eating it, you're actually eating the equivalent of two meals, saving you valuable eating time! This breakfast is so handy!

The only drawback to this delicious meal was the crippling lethargy that sank in shortly after eating it. The day-long headache was also a minor con, but still not enough to keep me from going back again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.