Elements, Schmelements

Hello again, and welcome to a new year that's sure to be packed full of breakfast-based debauchery. Most of my breakfasts over the Christmas holidays consisted of half-eaten Lindor Chocolates and boxed wine, but that's all going to change in 2014. It has to. My doctor says so.

We'll start off the year with a breakfast I had last year at Elements Restaurant on Portage Avenue.

Elements was referred to me by a friend. His exact words were: "Go to Elements. They have all-day breakfast."

"Is it good?" I asked.

"They have all-day breakfast," he replied.

This conversation both intrigued and worried me, and was enough to get my ass off the couch and into the restaurant.

Looks nice, right? The walk to the bathroom is a lot
more scenic then a lot of restaurants, true, but the fun
stops there. 

Elements looks great. It's a nice little place that's attached to some building that has something to do with the University of Winnipeg. The atmosphere was nice and inviting, and it was a welcome change from the hole-in-the-wall dives where I usually eat my breakfast.

The meal started off with coffees and waters. We got the coffees. It took several more requests and a lot of patience to get the waters. This really set the tone for the whole meal.

I ordered the eggs over-easy, but received the most over-medium eggs I've ever had. The yolk was about as solid as Osmium and had the flavour and texture of Rhodium. The eggs looked nice enough on arrival, but by the time I received them, they were lukewarm, bordering on lukecool.

The bacon itself glistened with grease and fat and looked to be fresh off the grill. Looked to be. As it turns out, they were fresh off the heating lamp, where they had rested comfortably for what I can only assume was the better part of 2013. Since we're talking elements n' shit, let me drop a little science on all y'all: bacon curls. This is natural. I don't trust a slice of bacon that sits rigid, flat as a plywood sheet. If your bacon doesn't curl, it's either because the bacon isn't real bacon, or you've got a new type of bacon that transcends all physical law. Either way, I didn't feel easy eating it. Of course, it did taste like bacon, so I guess I'd have to give it a passing grade. Still, it was dried out, boring, and eating it did cause some chipping of the teeth and lacerations to the larynx and colon.

Pictured: purple potato, well-poised bacon, and burnt toast. I thought I was
having brain surgery until I realized the toast really was that burnt.

The highlight of this meal, by far, was the refried beans. I'm not a big fan of the musical fruit, but these were done right. They were a little sweet, the texture was great, and I found myself curious about becoming a full-time bean... guy.

The "breakfast potatoes" were just baby potatoes. I was ready to complain to the manager about receiving a disgusting rotten tomato, until a friend pointed out that it was actually just a purple potato. I'm not sure what kind of hippie invented the purple potato, but I wasn't buying this "far-out" version of my favourite vegetable. I like my crew cuts sharp, my guns loud, and my potatoes potato-y coloured.

The toast was rye and burnt. Fail. Even the bathtub of imperial margarine that they soaked it in couldn't save it.

The service at Elements was also suspect. I got vibes from the staff that I was the asshole of the day for ordering breakfast at 4pm on a Friday. Coffee refills were way too few and far between, and while the the server always smiled at us while we ordered, time and time again I would catch a glimpse of her desires to charge through the plate glass windows and make a break for freedom. I sympathize with her, I do, but it did put a damper on the meal.

I wouldn't recommend going here unless you want to try something new. If you haven't been here before, sure, go ahead and try it. If you have, well, chances are you won't go here again. I know I won't. At least, not for breakfast.